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The death of the pun-driven headline

Freddie Starr ate my hamster

This is one of the most notorious newspaper headlines of all time. From the days when headline writers had the freedom to be creative (1986).

”Comic put live pet in sandwich,” says beauty.

What an intro!

But these days it probably wouldn’t see the light of day. Not online anyway. Neither would these other classics from the Sun:

It’s Paddy Pantsdown, news of the Lib Dem leader’s affair with his secretary, 1992.

Zip me up before you go go, George Michael is arrested in a gentlemen’s toilet in Beverly Hills, 1998.

Bin Bagged, death of Bin Laden in 2011.

It’s not just the UK that has a thing about these either. ‘Headless body in topless bar’ is now an iconic 1983 headline from the New York Post, despite the story’s horrific content. It was created without knowing 100% whether the bar was topless or not. When a reporter was sent out to verify this, and spotted a tiny sign saying ‘topless dancing’, the newsroom whooped with joy.

These days of course headlines have to obey different rules if they want to get clicked on. Google doesn’t really have a sense of humour, so it can’t understand puns. This means intrigue is out and key words are in.

Plus, these are very different times. You can’t imagine ‘Elton takes David up the aisle’ which reported the wedding of Elton John and David Furnish (the Sun 2014) would be ok now. It’s all a bit Jilly Cooper.

My Press Gang days

It’s not just that I admire the art of a good pun-driven headline, it’s that I used to write them and it’s hard to break the habit.

My second job after university was sub-editor for an architecture trade magazine, which included headline writing. This was 2000 so I could be as creative as I liked. It became a personal triumph if I could also sneak in an 80s pop culture reference.

Some of my greatest hits, from memory:

Living on a dePaor: A day-in-the-life piece about a new architect whose last name had often puzzled people when it came to pronunciation.

Danger Mouse: The legal complications of sending an architect’s intellectual property via email.

We could be heroes: Article introducing the latest crop of architecture graduates, who discuss their inspiration.

What makes a great headline? I think it’s one that strikes the perfect balance between attention-grabbing and delivering on the content's promise. When these elements work together, you get the payoff. But the opposite is also true: who hasn’t clicked on an intriguing headline to be disappointed when the article doesn’t deliver?

So what makes a good Substack headline?

I’ve seen Substack headlines come in all shapes and sizes. Long, short, all lower case (wild!), or with brackets (brave). I don’t really know what works and what doesn’t, but I imagine the more personal they are the better. You can’t do that all the time though - people will get bored.

From my experience so far, it’s My first 100 subscribers piece that’s been the most popular, but how much of the heavy lifting does the headline do?

I asked the Substack chat this and it said “Headlines can help catch attention, but Substack doesn't provide unique headline features that I'm aware of.

“For better searchability, it's important to include relevant keywords in your content. Substack's search results are ranked based on keywords matching the title, subtitle, and body of the post, as well as factors like word length, email list size, and recency.”

I’m afraid I switched off after ‘keywords’. I’m all for trying to get new readers, though, so perhaps I will rue the day.

There is still one place you can find a joyous headline though: celebrity autobiographies. You often come across some crackers in second-hand book shops.

Trowl and Error, Alan Titchmarsh, 2003

Rags to Ritchie, Shane Ritchie, 2004

Coreyography: A Memoir, Corey Feldman, 2013

If I ever fulfil my dream of becoming an actress, and they run out of that stuff you put in your eyes to make you cry, I will just conjure up the memory of Calum Best, son of George Best’s, autobiography. Its title ‘Second Best’ will haunt me forever.

Finally, there is hope from Substack, with this offering from the chat: “Ultimately, while a good headline can help, the quality of your content is what will keep readers engaged and subscribed.”

I hope so anyway, but do let me know if you reached the end of this in the comments below!

What have your findings been - what’s worked and what hasn’t and do you think it’s been the headline’s fault?

And even if you just liked the headline, please feel free to ❤️ this piece as it helps others find it.

Hello to new readers! Thank you to those who liked and commented on last week’s post ‘5 years that changed the world’. You’ll see I used a number in my headline there which might have worked, but who knows!

Have a great weekend.